Needs and Wants

Life’s getting super tough post 30 I must tell you! As if the personal side has not been a handful already, the non-existent professional life has suddenly become a cause of concern – for me only I say so still! Income is NIL still and outcome of expenses continues like the free falling ball from 19th storey (no pun intended!). In a bid to do too much in too less time, I took up too much work which lead to too less in the pocket and dint take up anything more than too much time for too little productivity! This has put me in the quandary almost, until the movie and my dads last few talks rescued me that everything can be worked out, only if you try well enough and wait for your turn! Try I always do whole-heartedly and never falter, its only the waiting bit that kills me but I’m working around it.

So to take it up, I’m back to basics of making some sense of the big fat industry where the rulers rule and the kings king?!Along wtih that I have the onus of looking at some other business plans of people who i had promised to help in my own way and they have relied on me (mostly coz my views come without any cost, and thereby any solid foundation also but that’s for me to know). From what I see, I am mostly only giving the motivational support which is sooo needed to get started with your own work. Getting back to my trials, I am hoping at creating my own business plan really soon and getting at it fiercely. Coz this time I know there’s no looking back, and definitely there’s no one who’s holding my back either!

Hoping for some miracles and fire crackers soon! <:)

a.s.

Disappear

I just finished reading a letter from Sheryl Sandberg to the world, its more of a gratitude note than a letter, to people who have been with her through the last 30 days since her husbands demise. I wish I could say I feel her, but I dont. My husband dint die, he disappeared! So I feel, but different. Its been 4 months today and I know he is alive (coz I have an entire battery of people after him) but there’s no designated mourning period I can put aside for this phase of my life. When someone dies, under whatever circumstances, our society has many ways of getting their loved ones around through these mourning periods. My husband defied the society in the 1st place, by just disappearing – there is NOTHING designated towards such a cowardly act!

I wont get into any details over this but I feel like the boat rocking in the ocean, with nothing but a stretch of the waters in sight. I wish it was a dream, or something from the past life which I can shake away but surprisingly its not. Its not as if I cant and am not dealing with, but its that NOT mourning that gets overwhelming at times. Its the impossible but countless repetitions of the incidents which keep me wide awake at nights and days. Its the endless conversations in the mind which make my head hurt. And its the constant flashbacks which keep the hope of gunning him down alive.

In short, life is not easy. Not for me, not for Ms.Sandberg definitely since she at least found and lived happily with her true love. The sickness in me which believed in true love still exists and I marvel at its guts, but frankly its all equally disappeared. I’ve been hit where it hurts the most, and for what I know not. Or maybe its the illusion that I dont know, the reality did not ever exist, or did it and that’s why it disappeared?

#6 Selfish comes from the word Self!!

I have just cancelled my first ever appointment taken for a facial in the last 28 years (barring the one done on my wedding day!!). The thought had been in the head for quite sometime owing to all the vanity I have been practicing for the last few months and keenly checking out the darkening facial hair, the balding scalp and the cellulite overgrowth!! This thought also came with a jig of the fact that I was getting towards the ‘selfish’ stage of life where I did not know what and who else to think about except myself. Previously also yes I have been so but in a more productive way I would think – for I was selfish to get myself educated the way I wanted and pursue the best institutes of the world only. I was selfish to work in big firms and gain experience of ‘dealing with people’ and not rest cool in the family business. I was selfish enough to save from my jobs and start a small online business and stick to it until my marriage did us apart (almost). So yes I have been selfish but it was productive and it has made me the person who I am today.

But this thought of getting a facial done – this is the real ‘selfish’ bit I am talking about. My this weeks impulsive shopping for want of indulging myself coz off late I haven’t heard or seen anyone talk about me – this was again selfish. There has been so much noise around me lately about everyone and everything and the want for my eager participation from everyone adds to the feeling of not being thought of anywhere still! I float around lost many a times when not giving valuable inputs to investment decisions, when not consoling a parent about a sibling, when not raking up the sibling in a bid to feed some sense in them.

Add to this the fact that the paper ran two articles today – full blown ones- about how we miss out on the ‘self’ in this entire bandwidth of dealing with life. I never really thought about it until now when yes I am in this situation currently. Thankfully I dont have one set of category – kids- yet to extend this thought process to but yes all others hold true – family, friends, husband, parents, home, work – all of it! The self seems to get dissolved in all of these surprisingly.

But then again I am not sorry about being selfish – it is just that I dont like being the unproductive selfish person which I seem to be turning into off late. There are 24 hours in a day and I seriously do know and believe that there is a tonne of work that can be done in this – I just fail to understand what I need to do to keep myself productive for the 10 hours I feel I easily while away. Its a new thing for me because never ever have I been this free in my life. The only time it was was my first few months doing PG in Durham but then that also dint last for more than 2 months. I have although recently started an ecommerce business which is doing well to begin with but it doesn’t call for much from my end except buying and sending the merchandise. Yes its true- I have two ‘businesses’ going on but because I dont have any direction, I dont seem to be taking these also anywhere!

I do not demand any attention from anyone. I would rather remain invisible for the entire world. But I know I can make a difference, add value, be productive and resourceful at many a places, infuse life into a lot of ideas and just be a part of making this world a better place. But for that I need to figure out what MORE needs to be done. My answers lie within I know and the fact that I cant even throw these questions out in the open make me more frustrated. As I am always screaming to my mom – I need to do something, I need to do something. There is just too much of a beautiful life getting wasted it seems and I am doing it with my own unintentional hands!

And as I write this and read an article on http://www.entrepreneur.com on ‘Running out of business ideas?’, the articles’s first point reads as ‘get your own SELF together’……..aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh……..

My worst fear – voicing my thoughts, my ideas, don’t quite get the response they used to. Earlier my mother and friends were the strongest springboards for hearing myself out. Today I thought my partner would be so. Undoubtedly that is not the case. Because the self in selfish persists in everyone after all! I remain ‘still searching’…seeking inspiration…to utilize this energy!

a.s.

#6 Selfish comes from the word Self!!

I have just cancelled my first ever appointment taken for a facial in the last 28 years (barring the one done on my wedding day!!). The thought had been in the head for quite sometime owing to all the vanity I have been practicing for the last few months and keenly checking out the darkening facial hair, the balding scalp and the cellulite overgrowth!! This thought also came with a jig of the fact that I was getting towards the ‘selfish’ stage of life where I did not know what and who else to think about except myself. Previously also yes I have been so but in a more productive way I would think – for I was selfish to get myself educated the way I wanted and pursue the best institutes of the world only. I was selfish to work in big firms and gain experience of ‘dealing with people’ and not rest cool in the family business. I was selfish enough to save from my jobs and start a small online business and stick to it until my marriage did us apart (almost). So yes I have been selfish but it was productive and it has made me the person who I am today.

But this thought of getting a facial done – this is the real ‘selfish’ bit I am talking about. My this weeks impulsive shopping for want of indulging myself coz off late I haven’t heard or seen anyone talk about me – this was again selfish. There has been so much noise around me lately about everyone and everything and the want for my eager participation from everyone adds to the feeling of not being thought of anywhere still! I float around lost many a times when not giving valuable inputs to investment decisions, when not consoling a parent about a sibling, when not raking up the sibling in a bid to feed some sense in them.

Add to this the fact that the paper ran two articles today – full blown ones- about how we miss out on the ‘self’ in this entire bandwidth of dealing with life. I never really thought about it until now when yes I am in this situation currently. Thankfully I dont have one set of category – kids- yet to extend this thought process to but yes all others hold true – family, friends, husband, parents, home, work – all of it! The self seems to get dissolved in all of these surprisingly.

But then again I am not sorry about being selfish – it is just that I dont like being the unproductive selfish person which I seem to be turning into off late. There are 24 hours in a day and I seriously do know and believe that there is a tonne of work that can be done in this – I just fail to understand what I need to do to keep myself productive for the 10 hours I feel I easily while away. Its a new thing for me because never ever have I been this free in my life. The only time it was was my first few months doing PG in Durham but then that also dint last for more than 2 months. I have although recently started an ecommerce business which is doing well to begin with but it doesn’t call for much from my end except buying and sending the merchandise. Yes its true- I have two ‘businesses’ going on but because I dont have any direction, I dont seem to be taking these also anywhere!

I do not demand any attention from anyone. I would rather remain invisible for the entire world. But I know I can make a difference, add value, be productive and resourceful at many a places, infuse life into a lot of ideas and just be a part of making this world a better place. But for that I need to figure out what MORE needs to be done. My answers lie within I know and the fact that I cant even throw these questions out in the open make me more frustrated. As I am always screaming to my mom – I need to do something, I need to do something. There is just too much of a beautiful life getting wasted it seems and I am doing it with my own unintentional hands!

And as I write this and read an article on http://www.entrepreneur.com on ‘Running out of business ideas?’, the articles’s first point reads as ‘get your own SELF together’……..aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh……..

My worst fear – voicing my thoughts, my ideas, don’t quite get the response they used to. Earlier my mother and friends were the strongest springboards for hearing myself out. Today I thought my partner would be so. Undoubtedly that is not the case. Because the self in selfish persists in everyone after all! I remain ‘still searching’…seeking inspiration…to utilize this energy!

a.s.

#5 Coz there is nothing better to do…

#5 Coz there is nothing better to do….

#5 Coz there is nothing better to do…

When the skies are grey and bloated like a nine month pregnant woman, the greens dont move an inch coz the wind is nowhere around to amuse them, when the raindrops dance on the puddles making a visual melody of sorts, when my eyes glisten of all the unknown and all that has been, my legs stuck to the wall upside down, the silence of an empty house even when there are more than me present, the noise and echoes of my own mind, when all this beckons – i write!

#4 Seeking Love and Appreciation

#4 Seeking Love and Appreciation.

#4 Seeking Love and Appreciation

I write coz love and appreciation was in abundance when I did not. Today I’ve lost myself. I seek myself through love and appreciation from outside me. Inside me I dont know anymore what persists, but I do know I seek outside of me. 

And I dont do it in an inactive state. The doer in me is always at work, everyday I get up with a hope of making this one day right in the sense of bringing a smile on a persons face or just about making him happy. I concoct new ways that might impress him and make him like me a molecule bit more. I strive to do things I’ve never done before to get SOME acknowledgement.

When none of the above come my way I write…my 4th only so far…and already the discipline seems weary of its approach! Until the next time we live… :))

 

a.s.

#3 It takes two to Tango

#3 It takes two to Tango.

#3 It takes two to Tango

There is a chicken dish and a mutton dish prepared by hubs and me for our friends who were supposed to be eight in attendance but now would be just two!

Simple pleasures of life…living them WITH all the life! It just doesn’t get any better 🙂